Aliens, Satan, and Ichigo
by myeyeistwitching
Summary: In which Keigo is Keigo, Ikkaku is bald, and Ichigo gets kidnapped. Fully a crack story complete with crack and non-crack pairings including IchiRuki, MizuiroRan, IshiHime, TatsYumi and more. It's good.
1. Typing Class is Boring

**I would like to state that this will be a story. With chapters that make some sort of sense when put together.**

**Hello all! This is Istwitching and this is the first segment of Myeye and my writing experiment! I totally wrote this when I was in typing class. Thank goodness I have since graduated. No Mas Typing for a grade! Whootwhoo!**

**Anyway, this is an experiment, as I said. Myeye and I are alternating chapters. We are not allowed to influence each others writing in any way at all. This is our collective mind-vomit. There may even be a plot somewhere in here. Mostly, it is just crack. Please enjoy it. **

**Disclaimer: Tite Kubo Owns All. We are merely poor lost circus performers. I said we're poor, this means we get no money from this. **

_**ENJOY!:**_

Typing class was boring, and Keigo found that he couldn't help but droop under the unnervingly evil eye of the substitute teacher they had that day. Also, all his favorite websites were blocked.

He really, really hated that class.

Mizuiro was absent that day (probably on a date with an older woman) and Ichigo (who was not in Keigo's typing class) was hanging out with those weird new kids. (Matsumoto "the goddess" Rangiku was absent, too. If Mizuiro was with her Keigo would die. It just wouldn't be fair!)

--AN: Mizuiro was with her. They were going out to a movie.--

The weird new kids looked_ way_ too old to be in high school. But 'the goddess' was hawt so he was happy and wouldn't complain.

--AN: Except that he was Keigo, and would complain about anything.--

He grumbled. Everyone underestimated his intelligence. Sure, he wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. Sure, he was leaning more towards the dullest but he wasn't _that_ dumb, and those new kids were strange!

And, contrary to popular belief, he noticed things like that. He had also noticed that they had only shown up after Ichigo and Rukia's extended absence.

There had to be a reason they were here. An alien conspiracy, perhaps.

Or Satan had sent them to corrupt new souls so she could eat them.

That...sounded plausible. It only made sense that Ichigo was their first target, after all, he was pretty good-looking, Keigo supposed. Luckily, Keigo didn't swing that way. He like boobs.

He should really warn his friend.

If he didn't he would be eaten. And torn to bits, and fed to small demon children, and maybe used as a slave, but only after being glued back together in a grotesque frankensteinesque manner, and thrown into lava, and…

"ICHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The teacher glared at him and twenty confused students looked at him like he was crazy.

He really hated typing.

**Myeye will be writing the next chapter! Look forward to it!**


	2. Madarame Ikkaku was Bored

**Wheet-Whoo chapter 2! Coming to you from Myeye! Oh, the crack. **

**Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to the most auspicious and amazingly talented Tite Kubo. Who is not us. But to spare the man, we take full credit for the disparaging things we may do to his characters. We do it because we have no life, or money from these writings to go out and buy one. **

**:I hope you will savor the following:**

Madarame Ikkaku was bored. He was waiting in the school cafeteria for Yumichika, who was prepping in the bathroom, glaring at all the boring human weaklings. It gave him some small satisfaction when they paled and ran, squawked and cowered, or occasionally fainted, at sight of him, but he needed a better distraction. He wasn't "allowed" to pick a fight (he couldn't risk the wrath of Yachiru if she found out about _that_. Damn, Matsumoto), not that any of these whiney infants could offer more than a pitiful punch, if they even stood long enough to throw one.

He needed to _sever_ something!

Just one brave soul (in a body or not) to challenge him (he couldn't very well back away from a challenge for that would mean death by his captain while Yachiru smiled and enjoyed the show), and break up the monotony.

And then he saw _it_, or him.

The obnoxious brown-haired boy passed by Ikkaku's table (ignoring his glare, the cheeky bastard) flirting loudly with a pretty (terrified) girl (who hadn't missed his glare). He had been fumbling in his pocket with something and just as he was at the closest point in his path to the bald-man-who-was-obviously-not-a-high-school-student (approximately half a step from tripping over him) that something slipped out of his hand and into the lap of Madarame Ikkaku.

The oblivious schmuck let it go, moving his hand to run his fingers through his hair and trying a couple more, nauseating, pick-up lines on his poor female prey (whom, by the way, Asano felt he was majorly scoring with seeing as how she was cuddling (cowering) into his chest), eventually moving out of the now bewildered Ikkaku's line of sight.

Ikkaku read the note (which is what the something Asano had been fumbling with happens to be) through a second time and began to smile to himself.

"Hey Babe, give me a call

XXX-XXXX (less than sign)3 Asano Keigo (equals sign)D"

The wording had confused him at first but it hadn't taken Ikkaku long to decipher it's meaning. "Babe" was obviously meant to insult him. Hah! Cheeky Bastard. And then the contact information, of course. That hadn't been to taxing to solve. He would have to ask Yumi about the arrowhead and the 3, but he understood (equals sign)D. This punk was very bold. "Asano Keigo (equals sign)D".

**Ikkaku vision:** Asano Keigo equals DEATH!

Ikkaku's grin grew (the unfortunate students closest to his table, i.e. four tables away, burst into tears and ran for their lives).

Finally. A challenge.

**Sorry about the parenthasized less than sign and equals signs. For some reason they just won't show up. Gah! I hope that doesn't ruin the whole point of "the challenge" being a humorous misunderstanding. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed anyway!**

**Now, what will come of this!? Only Istwitching knows...**


End file.
